Who am I?
Who am I? I find myself asking that question a lot lately. Am I happy, sad, loved, alone, tall, short, fat, or skinny. I look in the mirror and sometimes I don't recognize who I am. When I was a little girl, I watch a lot of Disney, and I always fantasized that when I grew up that I would meet my knight in shinning armor and fall madly in love and live happily ever after. Yet here I am, 22 years old, over $20,000 in student loans, almost $10,000 in medical bills that keep piling up, and I'm barely making it to graduation, with a degree in Business and I have no clue where I want to go with my life. I suffer from depression, I have for many many years. I come from a broken home with three sisters from different dads. I moved around a lot as a child due to my mothers boyfriends. I believe that is where I lost myself. I used to be an insanely envious child.
I wanted what everyone else had. New clothes, new shoes, the latest technology, anything that anyone around me had I wanted. But being from a poorer family, I got what I needed and nothing more. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want your pity, or your worries, I just want you to understand where I came from, because who knows, maybe you could help me find where I'm going.
I played sports in high school. Volleyball for a little bit, but due to my middle school coach hating me for no reason, that ruined the fun in volleyball. I did pick it up as an intramural in college and that helped me enjoy it more. Track was my safe haven. I was good. Not good enough to set a record but I made the top five in a few. I was versatile. I could run fast, throw far, jump high, and jump far. But basketball, basketball is what saved me. The thrill of a game was the only high I ever needed. I was willing to put in the work, whatever it took to better myself. But I wasn't selfish, I wanted to win and lose together as a team. And we lost, a lot. My record from freshman year to my senior year was about 13-80. And I come from a very small town where if you don't have the last name or the money you were a nobody. And I was a big nobody. Bullied and hated. The head coach was related to one of the players who was not as good as everyone thought her to be. Sure she scored a thousand points, but she was a lose cannon who probable also had a thousand turnovers. She was selfish, and nobody could see that. And I never said anything, because I was not favored. And I couldn't even play in college and boy I wanted the chance, but it never came.
So I sit here as I write this, who am I? I'm not an athlete anymore. I'm lazy. Everything I have now I have worked hard for. Sure I only work part time, but when I can I work as many hours as possible and still have nothing to show for it. My parents (my mother got married a few years back), won't help me. Instead they decided to open a bar in a place that will never get people to come in, and they bought this months ago, and yet have not even opened. Not even close. No progress. I feel so helpless with them and they don't even know it.
So who am I? I love to read, and sing (even though I'm pretty sure I'm tone deaf), and watch TV and have fun when I'm not depressed. I'm kind and caring and helpful to others when I have the opportunity to. I know I am a good person, so why do bad things keep happening to me? Someday's I want nothing more than to give up, and other days I'm fighting like hell for people to see me, to hear me.
Anyway, I found this blog and honestly I feel a sense of need when I write. Like someone is listening, even if no one is reading this. My goal is to give you an insight into my daily life. Be relatable, funny, serious, and at the same time find the answers to the questions I keep asking. Things might get personal, things might seem off, but I will always keep it real. After all, this broken wing isn't going to fix itself.
I wanted what everyone else had. New clothes, new shoes, the latest technology, anything that anyone around me had I wanted. But being from a poorer family, I got what I needed and nothing more. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want your pity, or your worries, I just want you to understand where I came from, because who knows, maybe you could help me find where I'm going.
I played sports in high school. Volleyball for a little bit, but due to my middle school coach hating me for no reason, that ruined the fun in volleyball. I did pick it up as an intramural in college and that helped me enjoy it more. Track was my safe haven. I was good. Not good enough to set a record but I made the top five in a few. I was versatile. I could run fast, throw far, jump high, and jump far. But basketball, basketball is what saved me. The thrill of a game was the only high I ever needed. I was willing to put in the work, whatever it took to better myself. But I wasn't selfish, I wanted to win and lose together as a team. And we lost, a lot. My record from freshman year to my senior year was about 13-80. And I come from a very small town where if you don't have the last name or the money you were a nobody. And I was a big nobody. Bullied and hated. The head coach was related to one of the players who was not as good as everyone thought her to be. Sure she scored a thousand points, but she was a lose cannon who probable also had a thousand turnovers. She was selfish, and nobody could see that. And I never said anything, because I was not favored. And I couldn't even play in college and boy I wanted the chance, but it never came.
So I sit here as I write this, who am I? I'm not an athlete anymore. I'm lazy. Everything I have now I have worked hard for. Sure I only work part time, but when I can I work as many hours as possible and still have nothing to show for it. My parents (my mother got married a few years back), won't help me. Instead they decided to open a bar in a place that will never get people to come in, and they bought this months ago, and yet have not even opened. Not even close. No progress. I feel so helpless with them and they don't even know it.
So who am I? I love to read, and sing (even though I'm pretty sure I'm tone deaf), and watch TV and have fun when I'm not depressed. I'm kind and caring and helpful to others when I have the opportunity to. I know I am a good person, so why do bad things keep happening to me? Someday's I want nothing more than to give up, and other days I'm fighting like hell for people to see me, to hear me.
Anyway, I found this blog and honestly I feel a sense of need when I write. Like someone is listening, even if no one is reading this. My goal is to give you an insight into my daily life. Be relatable, funny, serious, and at the same time find the answers to the questions I keep asking. Things might get personal, things might seem off, but I will always keep it real. After all, this broken wing isn't going to fix itself.
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