Relationships
I have been with my current boyfriend for about 14 months now, and I am head over heels in love with him. We had met on tinder (a place in which I swore I would never join, but when you're lonely, you tend to do desperate things), and it was not love at first sight. But none the less, we spent the entire weekend together, and we have been inseparable ever since. But as with every relationship, there are struggles. We hit a rough patch a few months into our relationship and to be honest, I was devastated. I went through his phone and found him messaging other women and a profile on a dating site. I left in a rage and drove around wondering where it was that I could have went wrong. You know, I've only told one other person about the things that he's done, and now her and I are not speaking.
Now, mind you, I've only ever had two relationships in my life before this one that lasted longer than a year (and not by much because once the year mark hit, things fell apart both times). I tend to run away from my problems and to be honest, I was running fast this time. I always look for signs that something isn't right and that I need to leave, then I bolt. So what kept me from running when he did this the first time? The second time? No, how about the last time he did it, two weeks ago, the 11th time he did it? I told myself that I couldn't leave because I had no where to go. And that is the truth, I am a full time student with no real income and no friends to live with. So that is why I told myself I needed to stay. But each time that he did what he did, I loved him a little less.
I have shed many tears trying to figure out what is was that I was doing wrong. I still don't know. And yes I still am with him. But why? I still have yet to figure that out because there have been times that I have wanted so desperately to leave, but yet I've stayed. Partly because I love him, partly because I hate myself, and partly because I'm scared. I have yet to live as an adult, and I have yet to live on my own. I hope that someone reading this, or going through something similar can see my struggle, my pain, and be stronger than I am. Because one day I'll find the courage I need to be strong for myself, but for now, if me telling my story makes someone else strong enough to do what needs to be done for themselves, I will have fulfilled a part of me that has a hole. But for now, I am just a broken wing, trying to fly home.
Now, mind you, I've only ever had two relationships in my life before this one that lasted longer than a year (and not by much because once the year mark hit, things fell apart both times). I tend to run away from my problems and to be honest, I was running fast this time. I always look for signs that something isn't right and that I need to leave, then I bolt. So what kept me from running when he did this the first time? The second time? No, how about the last time he did it, two weeks ago, the 11th time he did it? I told myself that I couldn't leave because I had no where to go. And that is the truth, I am a full time student with no real income and no friends to live with. So that is why I told myself I needed to stay. But each time that he did what he did, I loved him a little less.
I have shed many tears trying to figure out what is was that I was doing wrong. I still don't know. And yes I still am with him. But why? I still have yet to figure that out because there have been times that I have wanted so desperately to leave, but yet I've stayed. Partly because I love him, partly because I hate myself, and partly because I'm scared. I have yet to live as an adult, and I have yet to live on my own. I hope that someone reading this, or going through something similar can see my struggle, my pain, and be stronger than I am. Because one day I'll find the courage I need to be strong for myself, but for now, if me telling my story makes someone else strong enough to do what needs to be done for themselves, I will have fulfilled a part of me that has a hole. But for now, I am just a broken wing, trying to fly home.
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