Depression

Today was not a good day. It started off okay (besides the snow storm), with me waking up with my boyfriend and having breakfast. We played with our little man Odie and then we spent a couple hours cleaning, because believe me this place needed to be clean. But then when it was time to take a little break we decided to play monopoly on the xbox. Now normally when we play we play against the computers and try to help each other out so that eventually its just to two of us at the end. And that is exactly what I was doing with him, until I had the opportunity to get the few properties I needed. Needless to say that I had houses and he didn't and he lost, then threw a fit because he lost. I can feel myself pulling away from him. I don't look at him the same. I feel alone when I am around him and his mood swings are just too much to handle. I tell myself that I love him and that everything will be okay because on good days we have the most fun. But I've already lost my best friend over him, and he's not as romantic as I thought he could be. When I imagine having my own family and kids I picture a father being just as weird as me and wanting to embarrass our kids together and just being the happiest of families. But when I picture having kids with him, all I picture is nothing. Like literally nothing. I can't see him being the father I imagine to my kids. This is where the depression comes in, because I have always thought of myself as not deserving anything good. There are times in my life where it is just a string of bad things. I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel trapped. I feel like there is no escape. I pretend to be happy around others and often times I can continue that when I'm alone. But there are many times were the darkness consumes me. I'm terrible at asking for help. But I have no problem helping others. Just today, my so called friend has been trying to talk to me about our fight and shes only concerned with a few things that pertain to her that I had stated. When I clearly told her I feel alone and left out and unwanted by her. Yet she makes this about her stupid wedding. For once, I just want people to see things my way, see my suffering and help me, not question me. And as I continue to write these posts, I see that not one soul has taken the time to read this. So that tells me that even as I ask for help through here I'm not getting it. And that's okay. Because at the end of the day, I know that the only person that is going to be able to help me is me. I will be the one to fix my broken wing, it will just take a lot more time than I thought.